WHAT friends?

They say that true friends stick with you through thick and thin, but I personally am immensely confused by this unsupported saying. Who is that lucky to have friends who stuck with them through the thickest times and the thinnest times? Given the elusive nature, I find it so difficult to grasp the full meaning of such a miraculous phenomenon.

Maybe it is a once in a blue moon happening. Maybe it is just airy fairy theories conjured up by hallucinating idealists who had too much to drink the night before. Because the concept of true friends doesn't exist. Call me cynical, call me jaded, call me pessimistic, hell, call me anything! It won't change my solid as rock belief that the idealistic notions of friendship are but fleeting desires people tirelessly chase after, without a single inkling how futile it will be. But I have given up the chase and am satisfied with the understanding of such a stupid pursuit.

Friends who cry on your shoulder and expect you to be there for them 24/7 yet never once turn up when you need them are not true friends. Friends who abandon you and your long-organised plans to attend something else with other friends are not true friends either. People tend to sympathise with the party that is heartbroken, claiming that it is a given right for that party to go around crying on other people, and they naturally make plans to suit around that crying party. Yet they don't see the heartache of the people around that party, how they have to put up with all the changed plans, all the disturbances, all the fucking shit. And nobody cares.

Maybe it's time I start finding my own voice.

Lost in a world, that scares me to death,
Lost in a crowd I’m losing my breath,
Lost as a kid, lost as an adult
I feel everything is falling apart and its my fault
Lost as a person, cant find my way
Lost in life every day, Lost in worry
Who am I?
I’ve lived a Lie
Lost to Kindness,
Lost to Love
Lost in the sky,
Like a lonely dove
Lost in thought which I shouldn’t do
It Winds me up,
I can’t get through
Lost to comfort all kind words
Lost to advice that isn’t heard
Lost to those who really care?
All these people always there
Lost in Me, I need a break
Lost in wonder which road should I take?
Lost in a place I don’t know well
Where are you now? There’s no one to tell
Lost here all alone To break these walls
Lost in mind
Lost in soul
Lost memories, there just a hole
Lost family, lost my place
Still yet I’m full of hate
Lost in boredom think I’ll leave
There’s a lot in life I need to achieve...

This poem makes me think...what am I really fighting for? What am I going to say when I near the end of my life and am drawing in my last breath? Can I say that this is a life well led? Or am I just going to shake my head and be drowned in the miseries of regret and "if only"s?

There are so many choices to make and so many paths to be led on to. It's at this point of time that I'm at a loss, and feel as though every single decision made will affect my life in the future. Yet, there is no knowing what comes next time. Life is a sum of all your choices. What we do now will affect what happens in the future. So...what will I choose?