The ultimate WHACK!

Ran 8+3km at MacRitchie Reservoir today...and it was the ultimate WHACK test man! The entire route consists of almost all slopes and some are soooo steep you can't even see where they end! You just look up and naturally you go,"Whaa...so long ar..." and the next reaction will be,"Oh shit..." because you know you have to tackle that. And it was exacerbated by the presence of TYH breathing heavily down your neck,leaving you no choice but to sprint your lungs out and suffer the searing pain later *grimaces* It was really straining,as usual I was left to face the disappearing backs of all others during the initial part of the route(before the glorious arrival of TYH,of course) and was trotting alone,hearing my own disgruntled wheezings,feeling the slippery ground moving beneath me(horrors!)...But all in all it was endorphin-packed after that...the feeling of completing something so crazy was really great man...Another obstacle overcome! *smiles*

The pain that you feel,
but can't touch.
A pain you know of,
but can't explain.
A pain so fierce,
you go insane.
The unknown pain
that clutches your heart
and burns in your soul.
The pain in your life
too strong to carry on...
The unknown pain
that clouds your mind
and devours your every thought.
The pain of broken promises,
broken dreams,
The pain
that's unheard of'
The pain that's not seen...

running running running

I considered running away today,
To leave all my worries behind,
I considered running away today,
Then I changed my mind.
I thought about running away today,
How could I get there fast?
I thought about running away today,
That plan didn't last.
I am going to run away today,
I've had enough of my life here,
Packed my bags to run away today,
Didn't go because of fear...

8X1.2km is a real killer! I know I have said this many many times but I just can't stop harping about it!It's the ultimate test of one's mental strength and perserverance man! You just run on and on without looking,listening,caring about anything,just running onwards in order to complete the rounds and end the deep wheezes and throbbing pains at your side. All throughout I just have to keep telling myself," Come on come on! For the love of running...come on just a bit more!" I'm so glad it's over. But somehow I still love this training- it's the most numbing and precisely because it forces you not to think about anything except the run,it kinda works as the best anti-depressant *small smile* Many thanks to Megan,Siew Min,Sui Hui and Si Ling(year 3) for their undying encourages and "Come on keep up!"s :)

Realisation of the day: It's much much more effective if you study in school with your friends than at home alone,where you are faced with the alluring temptations of the bed and the blank TV or computer screens...In school,you will instead be faced with the hard-set faces of your friends scribbling notes and ploughing through their tutorials,and you will feel the urge to do so as well. Besides you can always seek help if you need it...

I'm running this race...
The end is not in sight.
I'm running this race
not for the ending,
but for what I will experience along the way.

Escape!!

Got a picture of this closed shop in Little India...I'm not racist nor am I making fun of anyone mind you...it's just that I never knew the slang of "Baboo Singh" can really be some bloke's name!*grins*

Went everywhere but stayed at home today...and just killed my enthusiastically-planned study schedule. But hey,it's just one day...I'm sure a respite from my notes for a mere 24 hours will not immediately guarantee 'F's for all subjects yeah?*smiles apologetically* Well,at least I managed to get minimum exposure to some people(sounds so mean,I know...argh...)!

Ryan Giggs is retiring from international soccer for good! No surprise actually(haha),he is really reaching the age of retirement for a sport that requires optimum physical fitness...anyway he can live comfortably for many years to come with all the bucks he has gathered from his many years of playing for Man Utd. And Kobe Bryant may leave Lakers! Now that is shocking man,what's up? Bryant and Lakers are almost synonmous...just the mention of one will remind you of the other...Ahh but eveything must come to an end sooner or later,and for Bryant's career in Lakers,it is now.

I'm sick of being myself,

I'm sick of my own flesh,

I'm sick of crying everyday,

I'm sick of even today,

I'm sick of being alone,

I'm sick of seeing the blood that I own.

I'm sick and tired of this madness,

this loneliness,

darkness,

and selfishness.

I'm sick,

just sick,

and no one can change that..

In the dark...

No stars in the sky
One light in the dark
I can't see anything except my face.
Nobody heard me
Nobody wants to listen
Nobody is awake
My voice is just lost in the dark.
In their world
I'm not alive
But I'm shouting in the dark
I'm shocking in the dark
I'm hitting in the dark.
I want to swallow the whole darkness.
I'll rip the dark
With my black knife...
I saw a bleeding line!
A shining line
It's the ending of my life

They just won't understand me...why is it always so difficult for us to communicate and compromise some things? I'm not asking you guys to give in fully to me-I understand a certain amount of compromise on my part is needed,but you guys have to give some leeway too! :( I's just so restricting to be around...I feel like a prisoner,always ready to get picked upon and scolded for the most trivial of matters. I mean come on, give me a break! Not everything I do is wrong!

Vesak Day tomorrow...DAMMIT...which means they both will not be working and instead stay at home and criticise me right from the momment I wake till I fall dead on my bed...*sighs* I'm gonna have to hatch an escape plan...grab anyone who is free and hang out,chill,even to mug...I rather that than to face them! And it's going to be sneaky...All the best man *crosses her fingers*

All I have to offer is solitude and silence.
No accomplishments to speak of,
having never finished anything
worth finishing
except bad relationships
and good friendships
I now regret not keeping.
Those I feel closest to
are the farthest away from me
while I keep myself distant
from those who are near.
If all you seek is solitude and silence,
this I can promise you without breaking.
I only ask, in return, to be allowed
my silence and solitude from you.

Sometimes...

It's weird how slow the day passes when there is nothing much to do,no training(it was cancelled...*sighs*),no school(I'm kinda fine with that haha),just plain old time at home for you to stare at your notes,which are constantly yelling at you to pick them up(now that really sucks). And they say time flies. Ha. it really depends on what you are doing and whether you are enjoying whatever it is. Obviously I wasn't,that's why the whole morning was like some period frozen in "Sian" land...In the end I gave up trying to be a model student and decided a game of soccer with my chums would do me some good and hell,we had a smashing good time! A great remedy anytime...

Hey Stan,what's up with you today man? Ate some "high" pills? You were literally flying! Haha,maybe the long period of deprivation from soccer really fired you up huh,like the caged beast being released or something. And Jay,watch that ankle of yours before you snap it. What a waste it would be then. :) Great game guys,another time!

Sometimes you just dont want to talk to anyone
Sometimes you dont want to hear anything

Sometimes you cant do anything right
Sometimes you dont want to feel anything

Sometimes all you feel is pain
Sometimes you dont want to see anything

Sometimes you dont want anybody to look at you
Sometimes you want to be alone

Sometimes you dont want to live
Sometimes you just cant take life anymore

Sometimes you just want it to end
Sometimes you just want to stop

Sometimes........ is all the time for me

Whack Whack Whack!

Don't mess with TYH when he's ina bad mood...don't ever try...Actually I don't even have to say that,everyone knows,right?They say we should train as a team yet the first thing he said(or rather roared) to us today was,"What are you waiting for? Start now lah!" just because Megan was a wee 10 minutes late...which leaves just Sui Hui and me. Warm-up,sprint drills and throughout the entire time we could feel his hawk-like glare on our backs,scrutinising our every move and commenting to the helpless Miss Ng about our mistakes. Too slow,didn't swing enough,not frequent enough...Argh. Pressure pressure pressure!

And what's with all the cuts in the rest times? From one minute to 40secs,and the intervals were all limited to under IMPOSSIBLE timings! 1km by 3mins?! Sometimes I just wish the soccer season ends in July,so that TYH will have something else to concentrate on instead of on us Crossers. Or that more people will join Cross,so there won't be just these miserable few getting yelled at and having the echos resonate throughout the entire Neptune Court."Faster lah! Cannot run is it? Cannot run don't join cross lah!" Thanks Mr Tan,thanks alot.

Was told that I will be taken out of 800m...which means I won't be running at all this year...I really don't know how to describe how I'm feeling now *bitter laugh* I'm relieved because I know my limits...and I won't mind giving that up if it is for the team's winning. But there's always the disappointment of not being able to run for VJC...But I will respect his decision. It's not over.

Why hope?

Hope is supposed to be a good thing in your life but why is hope the only thing in your life that you have in bad situations. Many people have hope and for the lucky few it really gets better. But when it doesnt get better..why does hope tear you apart with the feeling it all could get better while it didnt get better for many years?

Why did my hope stay even without you here... hope that I would get the same joy like I am with you here. Hope did more bad then good..hope can't repay the loss of a very good friend you shared it with...but hope lingers on. Hope is a never-ending pain because of the past.. the past that was so beautiful but now its just a memory with a bad advice: hope.

My only hope left is that my hope will go away.

Maybe not all hope...I still won't give up on my running,no way. It matters waaay too much man! Miss Ng have put me down for 800m "for exposure",but I will try to make the most out of it. Pessimistic it may sound,I know I won't fly on that day itself,and chances of winning anything are kinda slim. I still have lots to improve on,like my running style,my inability to differentiate long distance running from sprinting and when must I land on my toes and when on my mid-soles...etc. But winning is not all! It's the attitude and the experience that comes with every race. And what I become of it...Yeah.

Spent a whole chunk of time sleeping and sleeping and sleeping today...catching up on what I have lost during the week. Hey it's kinda scary actually-I fell asleep on the couch after lunch from 2pm to 4pm,but it wasn't a sound sleep: I kept waking up because the room was simply a burning furnace! And I kept feeling the sweat soaking through my shirt(gross,I know). Then there were murmurs and the sounds of footsteps around(thanks ah,brother),the barking of that neighbour's dumb dog(nah,it's the dumb neighbour's dog) and the sounds of occasional vehicles...I gave up trying to sleep at 4pm,went to the table and decided to study(miraculously)Econs,but I hardly wrote two paragraphs of at most 4 miserly lines before I felt like snoozing again. Then I just fell asleep at the table on my Econs work.

This is not some stupid account of "My Sunday" to bore the hell out of people. What I want to say is that sometimes the more you sleep the more tired you get,because you are simply sleeping the wrong way(now even sleeping has "correct" ways...*sighs*). Tried reading up some experts' analysis,and they deduced that sleep has got 5 different stages: one being the lightest in which you are still sub-concious of the surroundings and five being the deepest in which dreams usually occur. Sounds logical though. And apparently 10 minutes of stage 5 sleep is better than an hour of stage 1...it's just that most people sleep in non-conducive environments without realising how disrupted their so-called "beauty sleep" is...

Cool.